Sunday, March 22, 2009

Change of Gratitude, Change of Attitude

I've done a lot of venting about various adoption issues so far which has been very cathartic. I just re-read some of my posts and can see that the venting did its work because the edges don't seem quite so raw today as they did at the various posting times. Don't get me wrong. There is still anger and sadness attached especially to the issue of sealed adoption records. I've done plenty of reading over the past couple of months to know how saturated this issue is with special interest influence. I've learned a lot more and been disgusted a lot more.

I don't want to focus on the disgust though right now. I want to focus on what is right and good with my life. I've spent way too much time living in a fear-based mentality. Over my lifetime I have suppressed so much. I was one scared puppy. When I learned about adoption issues and started to tap into it I was absolutely inundated. I dwelled in it because I was so scared by the massive volume of it and I just wanted it all out. That is a sure recipe for life drainage. So I've done the work I needed to get the catharsis that I least for now. I'm realizing how truly blessed I am in many regards now that the edges of my pain aren't so raw and many issues have been mitigated if not eliminated. I don't want to say that my grief work is done because I don't know what life has in store for me. Something may happen that may trigger it again. I don't know. I do think that I am better equipped now to handle it should it appear though.

So like the changing of the seasons, I find myself changing. I'm feeling more in sync with the universe. Somehow it is showing me how to function without the things that I used as defensive coping mechanisms in world that didn't understand me and understanding myself even less. It is lovingly teaching me how out of touch I was and showing me a better way. I've seen the life that I have created in my unconsciousness. My life was just a manifestation of that unconsciousness. I don't want that anymore. I find myself craving a life with less anger, more acceptance and less grief, more joy and less emotional violence.

I didn't ask for any of this adoption stuff, but I can't change it either. I can't change the fact that I was given up, both chosen and denied. It's a paradox that still messes with me even if it doesn't define me as much as it did. I can't change the fact that none of us understood the nature of adoption so there were a lot of needs that weren't met on all sides. Believe me, that takes a lot of grief work and eventual forgiveness to get to the bottom of it. I also didn't ask for this perpetual hole in my soul that never completely goes away. I didn't ask to be placed with a family (with huge societal expectation of gratitude) that still feels a bit alien to me. The beautiful thing is that this has all worked together to teach me just a little bit about the grace of God. For whatever reason, I had to go through being chosen and denied. I was granted a family that for all of our personality struggles, they all have good hearts and they are trying harder now that they know better. The hole in my soul is being somewhat filled by some friends who are more understanding than I could have hoped for and by acquaintances who share my same struggles and have become a "virtual family" that I can depend upon. I've been very blessed to make the acquaintances of many people over the Internet who are touched by this issue. I've learned from their wisdom and strength. I have also been able share some of my own wisdom and knowledge. We are all at different points on our journeys and some have definitely had a rockier road than I. These are all kind and beautiful souls and I feel blessed to be able to call them friends even though we probably never will meet in person. I found a fantastic counselor who validated me from the start and has been a lifesaver at helping me get rid of most of my negative coping mechanisms and replace them with ones that are infinitely more productive.

So it goes. I have seen what I have to be grateful for and I'm making it concrete for myself in the form of an anonymous shout to the world. I am so blessed. I feel it growing too. Feeling and expressing gratitude makes room for receiving more and more things to be grateful for. Even things that didn't previously seem like blessings have the benefit of hindsight to show that they were blessings in disguise. It truly is a beautiful and transforming thing.

1 comment:

chrliechaz said...

Hey dearie -- I love the change of attitude. Every few years I find myself in a "rebirth" where I try to be more mindful and thankful for what I have. I have also found it helpful to pray, every day, for things I am thankful for. I certainly don't succeed, but on days when I do ok, it really helps.