Sunday, January 11, 2009

Blessed Timing

I got some news a couple of days ago that I am not happy about. I am once again being railroaded in my search for my birth family by the laws in their current form. More hoops to jump through, more time to wait. More sadness is building too. I'm still in the stage of anger. It is not the seething anger of the past though....or at least a lesser degree of seething. I still wonder when my government and fellow citizens will look at me and finally see the need and demand that I be treated in the same manner as them. I wonder when my identity will not be a "state secret" and kept from me "for my own good." Time and a lot of hard work have healed or are currently healing me from many of my emotional wounds. This is where I have to defer to my faith in my God that gave me this information at time when I could better cope with it and not be quite so derailed by it. Right now I'm more sad than anything. Sad for people's lack of empathy. Sad for many things. I will not be derailed though. I will still do all I can to help people understand and pray for that day to come. In the meantime, I've got a life to lived and for once I actually have a desire to really do something about it. So off I go.............

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Emotional Vomit

I've only told one friend about this blog. I know that it is publicly searchable so I don't know if someone in Timbuktu or Vancouver or Ireland has found this. This was my reason for creating this blog. I still want a degree of anonymity but I also feel this fantastic need to reach out and share my story and my struggles. That is why I made it publicly searchable. I will tell you why one more time.

I know the nature of adoption, especially if its a closed adoption. For the adoptee, it forces a certain silence. It requires a degree of self sacrifice. It forces your knees to bend and to bow in submission and gratitude for being "saved" or "chosen" even if the circumstances they come into through adoption are even worse. Some can deal with it. me are continually dealing with it. Some force it down and pretend like its not an issue. Who are they harming? Themselves. Denial is never a good thing even if it is serving the purpose of sheer survival as it did for me. It will come out in the end in some way, shape or form. There is a beautiful side and a truly ugly side to adoption. Never has there been more of a need to understand the truly ugly side than now. I find myself repeating over and over again both here and in my conversations with people the need to look beyond the "rescuing" aspect. I repeat a lot of things. I find myself thinking of new ways to say the same things hoping that maybe that will be the ticket to universal understanding. This is why I use the term "emotional vomit". I stole this from the friend who I've told about this blog. But to me it fits because when you are truly sick to your stomach you don't just vomit once, you do it multiple times....however many times it takes to get the junk out. I'm speaking. Its not pretty. Maybe someday people will start to listen.